I’m going to take a break from my fiction and drop some knowledge on some of my HNL’s favorite haunts and services. My tone of voice is obviously different from the past few posts, as I’m writing as me – real Gary (not the character Gary, nor the character Robin). These are certified funny, useful, cool, so enjoy yall.
My HNL’s Public Transportation: The Bus
I’m on a date with a very mystical, enthralling girl from the desert who consumes my conscience whole and spits me out dragging for life – you know, in a good way. We sit at a Bus Stop near Kapiolani Park and Diamond Head is all I can see. Across the soccer field right now are streetlights, and they’re surrounded by faint, foggy halos. Rain mists lightly and my vision blurs.
Then the sun sets and the shadow of Diamond Head, hulking and masculine in the distance, fades til it’s gradually gone. My date holds my hand and leans on my shoulder. The roofed Bus Stop protects us.
Intoxicated with love, we wait until our friend and his date arrives. We are supposed to be on a double date. As he hops off The Bus, he complains immediately and goes OFF in pidgin which we think it’s hilarious – such a contrast to our current, tender nonverbal mood.
“Ho I get on the bus after it gets back from Makaha. But fucking this bus right, neva switch da sign after da last stop, and it says ‘Makaha’ on the way out of Makaha. So everyone dat got on da bus was like ‘oh brah is this going back to Makaha or town?’ But no one went go ask and they seemed like sked em and Makaha is like 50 minutes away so I asked the bus driva, ‘Eh so what you going to Makaha or town?’ and da bus driva looks at me like I’m crazy, asking me “brah where you think it’s going’ and so I said, ‘Bah I not dumb, your sign says Makaha even though you leaving.’ and the bus driva is like oh shit and switches the sign to Honolulu.”
Moral of the story: The Bus is as good as it gets for public transportation in virtually everyaspect but it’s not perfect.
My HNL: Jade Dynasty Chinese Restaurant
Let’s pretend I am Jade Dynasty, and you are a female at the club.
I drive my BMW M3 up to the entrance of the club and hop out, nothing but VIP white glove status for this baller. I slap hands and fist pounds to my equally status conscious and conspicuous consuming friends: princess types, a luminary or two, some newly rich boys and even richer girls, kids of captains of industry, drug-addicted nepotic future CEO’s.
I see you, you look over in my car and glimpse the Gucci interior, the seamless iPad2-BMW connectivity. iPhone 4 in one hand, Android in the other. I pop the collar of my Lacoste polo, then pop the collar to my other Lacoste polo underneath. I unpop the second as it might seem too flashy. Not tonight, oh suave one…not tonight.
I look over again, you look toward me so I ignore you.
At the bar, I ask you what you drink, then have the bartender slide it over to you before you even speak. I grip my Michelob Ultra with the same hand the Rolex Submariner is attached to, and I let the sparkle of my Tiffany ring catch you in the eyes. I know you see this.
Outside I dust off Dior Homme denim, we share a cigarette. I then put it out on the sole of my Ferragamo loafers. When we mingle, I let your hands linger on mine, the smell of my bvlgari cologne embraces you.
We go back to my place. I am impotent.
That’s what eating at Jade Dynasty is like. (No I’m not talking about the Asian yuppies who come here) The restaurant is 100% style and show, no substance or go. It’s 4 star pricing for 1 star Chinese food.
(these reviews are taken from my Yelp page, where I write some self-hatin hipster shit, feel free to read and h8 me r8 me)